Cricketing humour

Cricket humour at its best
Viv Richards (WI) vs Greg Thomas (Eng)

This infamous exchange took place during an English county championship match between Glamorgan and Somerset in 1986.
Viv Richards had uncharacteristically swung twice and missed. Glamorgan paceman Greg Thomas found the confidence to rub it in, reminding the batting hero exactly what he was trying to hit.
” It’s round, red and weighs about five ounces… ”

Richards hit the next ball for a clean six. He pointed the bat in the direction of the ball and said with a smile,

” You know what it looks like, now go fetch it…”

Kumar Sangakkara (Sri) vs Harbhajan Singh (Ind)

Around the time that his bowling action was reported as suspect, Sri Lanka’s Kumar Sangakkara stopped Harbhajan Singh in his tracks by asking,

” So, why do you wear short sleeves when batting, but long sleeves when bowling? ”

Ian Healy (Aus) vs Michael Atherton (Eng)

On his first tour to Australia, Michael Atherton was given a lucky reprieve when not out was called on a caught behind appeal.
At the end of the day, Ian Healy walked past the lucky batsman and had a few words.
” You’re a f***ing cheat… ”

To which Atherton simply replied,

” When in Rome, dear boy…”

(When in Rome, do as Romans do….)

Mark Waugh (Aus) vs James Ormond (Eng)

James Ormond was making his virgin walk to the pitch during the Ashes tour of 2003. He was greeted by the slightly better known Mark Waugh.
” F**k me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here?
There’s no way you’re good enough to play for England… ”

Ormond replied,
” Maybe not, but at least I’m the best player in my family… ”

Rod Marsh (Aus) vs Ian Botham (Eng)

When Botham took to the crease in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words,
” So, how’s your wife and my kids? ”

Quick as a flash Botham replied,
” Wife’s good but the kids are retarded… ”

Fred Trueman (Eng)

Trueman once welcomed a new Aussie batsman who went to close the gate behind him as he entered the field, with the subtle hint,
” Don’t bother shutting it son, you won’t be out there long enough… ”

On another occasion Trueman had a batsman LBW on two consecutive balls. But both of these were denied by the umpire.
Furious, Freddie reckoned he had to make his next ball count and, sure enough, with the very next ball he knocked the middle stump out of the ground.

Turning to the umpire Trueman appealed, with tongue firmly in cheek,
” By gum, that must have been close! ”

No one was safe from Freddie’s sardonic wit, not even his team mates.
A beautiful delivery from Trueman caught the outside edge of an opponent’s bat and flew directly to Raman Subba Row fielding at slip.

As Trueman watched, the ball went right through the fielder’s legs and to the boundary at third man.
Fred didn’t say a word. At the end of the over, Subba Row apologised meekly,
” Sorry Fred, I should have kept my legs together… ”

Trueman replied in characteristic fashion,
” Not you son; Your mother should have! ”

Steve Waugh & Ian Healy (Aus) vs Nasser Hussain (Eng)

With Nasser Hussain new at the crease, Aussie captain Steve Waugh looked to put the pressure on him. He directed Ricky Ponting,
” Field at silly point. I want you right under his nose… ”

Arch rogue Ian Healy chipped in,
” That could be anywhere inside a three mile radius! ”

Laughing, Nasser was out three balls later…

Merv Hughes (Aus)

Few cricketers can claim that they ever got the better of Sir Isaac Vivian Alexander Richards.
During a test match in the West Indies, Merv didn’t say a word to the Master Blaster, but continued to stare him down after each delivery, finally provoking a response from the great Antiguan batsman.
” This is my island, my culture. Don’t you be staring at me.
In my culture we just bowl… ”

Merv didn’t reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman,
” In my culture we just say f**ck off… ”

Merv Hughes really was one of the greatest exponents of the fine art of sledging and in one case, he even introduced a sledge that was more physical than verbal.
During a tour game in South Africa, Hughes was bowling to Hansie Cronje.
It was an especially flat wicket and Cronje was hitting Hughes’ balls for fours and sixes all over the place.

After the umpteenth boundary, Hughes headed down the pitch, stood near Cronje, let out a fart and declared,
” Try hitting that for six… ”

Allan Donald (SA) vs Allan Lamb (Eng)

South African quick Allan Donald was playing in a county game for Warwickshire against Northants and was well on top of the Northants top order.
Allan Lamb was on strike, looking to get onto the front foot. Noticing this, Donald dropped a couple in short to antagonise him. After the second short ball, Donald added,
” Lambie, if you want to drive, go hire a car… ”

Donald pitched the next ball right up, but Lamb was ready for it and hit a beautiful cover drive straight to the boundary. He drawled,
” Go park that one… ”

Bill Woodfull (Aus) vs Douglas Jardine (Eng)

England’s captain Douglas Jardine complained that one of the Australian players had called him a bastard.
Australian captain Bill Woodfull responded by turning to his team, pointing to Jardine and asking,
” Which one of you bastards called this bastard a bastard? ”

Shane Warne (Aus) vs Brian McMillan (SA)

After watching larger-than-life South African Brian McMillan swinging and missing at every ball he faced, Warnie just couldn’t help himself, and kindly offered to tell him in advance what ball he’d be bowling.
So for the next few overs Warnie called every ball: ‘leg spinner’. Next ball: ‘wrong ’un’. Then ‘flipper’, and so it went on.
McMillan couldn’t lay a bat on any of them.
Finally he’d had enough and walked over to Shane,
” Shane, you know you’re coming to South Africa next month?
Well, hundreds of people go missing in our country every day.
Perhaps I’ll take you shark fishing and use you as bait… ”

According to former Australian captain Mark Taylor, Warnie turned white and started bowling full tosses and half-trackers.

Spectator to an English batsman adjusting his box in between overs

” They’re the only balls you’ve touched all day! ”

Glen McGrath (Aus) vs Ramnaresh Sarwan (WI)
McGrath to Sarwan: ” What does Brian Lara’s di*k taste like? ”

Sarwan replied: ” I don’t know, ask your wife… “